Sunday, March 26, 2006


I am not sure how many of y'all out there can possibly relate to this...but here goes.

I shied away from my beloved at first, reason: stepkids and vasectomy.

But then he made candles with me, he drove 50 miles in the dark and rain just to be with me when he wasn't sure why. He did many things to show himself to be what he was/is...amazing.

A reversal and 3.5 years and a baby later...the stepkids have come into the fore. Everything has become wierd. Litigation, 15 hours of driving between us and them, a year of not being able to see or talk to them...nothing is normal. And so the judge says finally, we need to be with them so, voila.

As if this weren't enough wierdness, his parents, who have cared for these kids for all the years when he was with them but mom wasn't...they basically assumed parental duties out of unparalleled levels of worry. So when I enter the picture, there is no place for me.

Now, guys won't get this, but moms get territorial. It's nature, it is instinct, it is what is and what has been and this is why we do not seek to take the kids away from their mommy. But now it has transmogrified into this bizarre thing with my mother in law. She has declared these kids her territory. And so there I am.

She comes, she takes over. In the past this has caused a big problem. This time mitigated because I was able to spend some time with them, just normal like a family unit (without grandma "Uber mommy" around). This is a big time of transition, they have never come to our house before to be as a family unit with just Jeff and I. This time we almost attained something resembling normal. Then Jeff's mom arrives and tells me what to feed them for breakfast, precisely and tells us how to parent these children who we were only allowed to see at our house one time last year. How to bathe them, gives them a ton of clothes she has purchased...basically if I were to engage, I would say there could be a mommying territory competition here. I will not engage.

Go back to the territory thing. I am not the mommy of these kids. But I do hope to establish good relationship with them and for them to trust me, know that I care and that I do not seek to replace their mommy, but to be as another adult who cares deeply for them.

Now go back to the previous post when I mentioned the sound of the stereo when there is no music on but it is turned up full blast. You know that buzz, hmming sound? That is how the tension in the air is when they are here.

Well they have all left now. Our house is no longer overun. I can listen to Brazilian samba and dance around in my undapants if I want to. I can drink wine, leave my kitchen messy and attend to the small child, Addy Joy, who has been with stomach virus since last Wed. No grandmas waking her up from her naptime, no hubbub of people making noise. So aftermath. Return to normal. Celebrate birthdays (Addy is 1 on Tuesday), do chores, buy normal things.

thank God.


suleyman said...

I can relate to the dancing around in underpants.

Happy b-day, Addy! The Big One. In only fifteen years she'll be driving! Perhaps a motorcycle? Hmmmm??


Megan said...

Happy birthday Addy! Oh how precious.

Tough one. Your big heart comes through your writing, so I can only imagine how strongly it comes through your actions. Hold tight to it.

em said...

Happy Birthday to your Addy!! I love first birthdays:)